Billy Mays' Quest Reviews


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AR Send PM

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LOL!


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Mythical Send PM

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This is a great read big_smile

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Pig Send PM

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Very creative and well written. Good use of vocabulary and it was a real comedic pleasure to read. Thank you and looking forward to others!


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OxiClean Send PM

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Demon slayer

I’m at the old gypsy-woman’s hut in Varrock getting my fortune read, a tradition before my weekly pedicure. We sit inside her darkened hut, and she looks into her glass ball. “I can see you,” she says, “you are holding a very impressive looking sword. I’m sure I recognize that sword.” Will this be the second time she'll have caught me masturbating in the future? UVFTi1R.png“There is a big dark shadow appearing now” - well that sounds strange - then, “AARGH…” The Gypsy lets out a piercing shriek that curls my beard. Her eyes roll back in her head, and she gets all slack-jawed. “DELRITH IS COMING,” she cries in a voice not her own. “THE DARK MAGE LABORS THAT THE WILL OF WALLY BE UNDONE.” Her mouth begins to froth. “HE WHO BEARS THE CLEANING POWER OF OXYGEN SHALL BRING FORTH THE LIGHT OF SILVER AND CAST DELRITH BACK INTO HELL.” Then suddenly, she sits upright in her chair, rubs her eyes and wipes the foam from her lips. “I’m sorry young one, where were we?”

Fuck my pedicure. I’ve got a demon to slay.

Research takes me to Sir Prysin, the worst knight in rscrevolution. Dude, this guy’s outfit is slacks, a shirt and an iron helmet. He talks a big game about being a swashbuckling adventurer, but when I tell him I need the ‘light of silver’ to kill Delrith, he pusses out immediately so that I can have all the glory. There’s something of a minor snafu with getting ahold of silverlight, the sword I need to kill Delrith, but nothing to write home about. (But in summary: Sir Prysin is an idiot, Wizard Traiborn is an idiot; Captain Rovin is not an idiot).
HAHBB8M.pngSir Prysin models his impenetrable armor set.

I roll up on Delrith’s spot, only to discover he’s about as weak as the Darkwizards chanting around him. Seriously, “lesser demon” doesn’t even begin to describe it. I briefly consider allowing him to grow to his legendary strength, so that it’s a real fight. But who’s got the time?

I strike Delrith down in two hits from silverlight, and chant the incantation: “klaatu barada nikto”. A vortex opens up as Delrith is sucked back into the dark dimension from whence he came.

Final score: Good use of Varrock, silly dialogue options we've come to know and expect from rscrevolution, fun low-lvl boss fight. One of the most classic and memorable f2p quests.
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3/5 demon’s ashes


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tylerthaboss Send PM

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hands down best thread I've ever read in my entire RS filled life +1111111


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OxiClean Send PM

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Hi, BILLY MAYS here with

Alfred Grimhand Bar Crawl

The beer-chugging, death-metal blasting swedish biker gang at the Barbarian Outpost won’t let me train at their totally badass obstacle course unless I prove I’m one of them. There’s no way I’m going back to weenie hut jr.’s aka gnome agility course, so I lie through the teeth about being part of their Asgarnia charter. They demand I prove my membership by surviving a bar crawl through every pub in rscrevolution (excluding weenie hut jr. bar aka gnome tree).

Remember, this was a game for children.

The only rule: when my character drinks, I drink IRL.

Pub #1: Dead Man’s Chest - Brimhaven, Karamja Island

I walk from Barbarian club headquarters to Port Ardougne and toss Captain Barnaby 30 coins. Barnaby takes me to downtown Karamja, which is a pretty sketchy district. Dead Man’s Chest is a pirate bar, and before I get a drink some guy starts talking some bullshit about “you think you’re better than me, two-eyes?” The situation is quickly de-escalated when I mention the Barbarians’ challenge, and everyone laughs and the bartender reaches behind the bar and serves me a glass of strange thick dark liquid. I wince and drink it, staggering backwards. My vision doubles. I immediately re-escalate the situation and fight all the drunken pirates.

Supergrog = Bourbon, bulleit, one hearty glass
(scotch would have been much better. at least I finished my bourbon.)

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Pub #2: Jolly Boar Inn - Varrock Lumberyard, Misthalin
I tele Varrock and mosey on up to the Jolly Boar Inn. I ignore Dr. Harlow’s slurred speech and head straight over to the bar. I produce my barcrawl card.

Olde suspiciouse = Red wine, apothic red, one hearty glass
(Starting to feel drunk.)

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Pub #3: Blue Moon Inn - Downtown Varrock, Misthalin
I tele back to Varrock square and head south to the Blue Moon Inn. Inside one man-bunned “Johnny the Beard” points to his beard and gives me a thumbs up. This bar has sort of a hipster vibe.

The mixologist at the counter says the last Barbarian bikers that came through here made a huge mess, and charges me 50gp for Uncle Humphrey’s gutrot. I chug it down and feel more drunk, but somehow invigorated (the gutrot boosts strength). I leave quickly before I can start another fight.

Uncle Humphrey’s Gutrot - Vodka, smirnoff, 2oz
(no chaser, you gotta FEEL the gutrot. oww. (bacardi 151 would be better, and ideally, everclear.)

I am now technically drunk.

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looks like white wine but is actually hard liquor

Pub #4: The Rising Sun - Falador, Asgarnia
No one in here but a hot young barmaid and a White Knight drinking beer through the slits in his helmet. I’m talking some good game with the waitress and then she plays the “oh my boyfriend said something similar” card. I play the only card I have, the barcrawl one. “Hehe this’ll be fun,” she says, reaching behind the counter. gDhAZsb.png Can’t tell if she’s flirting or not. Maybe she’s in an open relationship, it’s the new thing. Before I figure out a polite way to ask she throws a cocktail in my hands and charges me 70gp for it (before tip! this is why I don’t go to bars especially if I already have the ingredients at home).

I stumble around all while the barmaid giggles at my predicament. I am too drunk to flirt politely. After a few unfortunate attempts at picking up on her the White Knight comes to her rescue and escorts me out.

Hand of Death Cocktail - Fireball and Apple Cider
(classic winter/autumnal mixed drink. this stuff is sitting okay…. for now.)
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Pub #5: The Rusty Anchor - Port Sarim, Asgarnia

The walk from Falador to Port Sarim seems much longer than usual. The sun feels much brighter. Does it ever fucking set? I need sunglasses.
i kill the highwayman on the way out of spite for the times he did me wrong
so much alcohol, i think i should have made the first round less buorbon

nothing funny to say about this bar its in a video game called runescapee

i really intended the black skull ale to be a porter, but I dont have any porter in the house. so ideally black skull ale = anchor brewing co. porter

but i have an IPA and an alcoholic ginger beer that are good. since IPA is the opposite of black i’ll go with the ginger ale which i havent tried yet (small town brewery, “not your fathers gingerale”0
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wow this is really good, tastes perfectly spicy and piratey and fits well with the sailor’s theme of the bar. maybe my favorite thing so far

mmm i could drink a sixpack of these like candy, only 6% alc

Pub 36$; Forestsrs Arms. Seers’ Village> Kandarinn

ok dammy tele takes me straight there. hello sir im getting drunk with my rscrevolution character that’ll be 18 coins smile:):)

good thing u cant drive in this game

this bar has a little fireplace v. toasty on a rainy evening such as this

LIVERBANE ALE = LAGUNITAS IPA AND A TEQUILA SHOT FUCK IT!
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liverbane was originally ognna be just teiqila but then the bartender called it an ale whtu theres bo way i culd have prepared fr, so combine beer and tequila than

ok.. i did it now just gotta wyak ibacj ti barbarians voutpost wiht the swedish biker gang listens to opeth
h
smile

smile:0;0;0;0:):):):))))
funanl sctore;
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5/5 easily the vest qyest uve done so far, would do agian!!
smile:):)

Last edited by OxiClean (15 Jan 2016 14:15)


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infiniti jr Send PM

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so entertaining.. makes me want to do this quest again

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scornedmagi Send PM

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Barcrawl is best yet. I also drink irl when drinking in game. +1 +1 +1 +1 +1


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tylerthaboss Send PM

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lol. just keeps getting better and better.


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happygoatman Send PM

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Hahahahahaha this thread is dope and it actually helped me. It actually speaks some mind of my own for me! Kudos bra

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delrith Send PM

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Just found this, was laughing reading the restless ghost, keep it up man!


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OxiClean Send PM

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Thanks for the feedback guys!

Knight’s Sword

Another “I’m an incompetent NPC, do my job for me” quest. Sir Vyvin’s Squire has lost his boss’s favorite sword, which he mainly uses to butcher innocent peasants. Since Vyvin is probably gonna do some messed up Game of Thrones-type shit to the Squire when he finds out his sword is missing, the dude is freaked. Can you blame me for intervening?

Gotta get the stuff to do the thing cause that’s how quests work. I sneak into Vyvin’s room at night using my agility training, and steal the picture of his sword from his cupboard. You read that right, he loves that sword so much that he keeps a painting of him modeling it where he sleeps.

I contract Thurgo to make the sword, though tbh I think he was willing to go down on me when I bribed him with pie. Thurgo lives on top of a quarry, prime real-estate for a dwarf, except he can’t mine it because there’s a couple ice giants five-times his size guarding the rocks. Now that's irony.

There’s a bunch of muggers having a convention down here in the mine. I press through to the pirate convention, then the hobgoblin convention, and finally the blurite rocks guarded by the ice family. The sword is made of surprisingly inexpensive items, which might mean Sir Vyvin has a really low attack level.

Thurgo perfectly clones the sword, plus the engraving “Sir Vyvin: I’m a bitch” in dwarven under the blurite slots (my suggestion - it’s the little victories that matter).

Final Score: Underwhelming Falador quest when compared to Black Knight Fortress. The mine in Thurgo’s peninsula should be more useful for after the quest is over. I did enjoy the decent smithing exp gained though. Perfectly average for f2p quests, which I am glad to be nearly done with. And no one ever wants to make redberry pie.
WjrmeEi.png2.5/5 pictures of Vyvin posing with his sword


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Leela rubs her hand against my chest. “Oh Billy… the Emir must never know of this.”

24 hours earlier

I’m about to catch the rowboat from Lumby to Edge when I notice how quiet it is. Usually, there’s kharidi house music blasting from the neighboring desert nation. But today, I hear no thumping bass out toward the East - no Arabian melisma echoing from the oasis, emanating like some holy call to throw a rager alllllll night habibi.

I go to check it out cause I still have a couple months before my passport expires, but two bouncers stop me at the gate and tell me “you’re not on list, effendi.” I try to pull the celebrity card but they make it seem like my commercials don’t air on their TV stations, so I bribe them 10gp and head on through.

There’s street-vendors selling kebabs, and camels who wont let me ride them, and all manner of ‘exotic’ sights around town. But when I get to the palace, things really start to look different. Big marble Roman columns and bulbous Moorish windows, and then I notice what’s lining the foyer on both sides of a giant fountain. Porsche, Porsche. Lambo, Ferrari. Mercedez-Benz. Bugatti, Bugatti, Batmobile. Plus about two dozen warriors patrolling the cars with curved swords. The Emir is rolling in that oil money, no doubt.

When I get inside the palace it’s all cool and air conditioned, and there’s a man in a big red cape with gold chains around his neck sitting in a throne. He offers me a cabbage, a bucket of water, and the lives of the warriors outside which he says are mine to kill because they’re “very cheap”*. I consider that they might be mercenaries from the mining colony in the south, which raises some serious ethical questions, but I thank him for his hospitality nonetheless.

*(he actually says this)

I comment that there’s no music playing and the royal’s face turns crestfallen. “Yes, habibi,” he says. “Today no DJ Amid or Khaliji. Any other day, you will join us for dakbe. Yesterday, party and strength boosting kebab. But not today.”

I ask why not.

“Because,” a man in black who I had not previously noticed steps out into the light. “Our Prince has been kidnapped.”

Prince Ali rescue

“Ah, Osman bin Laden, my advisor and spymaster,” Hassan explains.

“Prince Ali is now the prisoner of Lady Keli (a suspected Mossad agent),” Osman continues, slowly circling and sizing me up. “We believe the kidnapping is retaliation for an attack on her settlement to the West. Of course, our Emir was not involved in any way.”

Sure.

“First, you will go to the illegal settlement in the West where Prince Ali is being held, and you will tie up Keli. Second, you will disguise Ali as her. He really needs to pass for female, I want you to do a tuck-job and everything. Third, you’ll need the jail key. Fourth, you need to deal with the guard at the door without making it look suspicious.”

I ask why they trust me so quickly, since we only just met.

“Why wouldn't we trust you? You’re Billy Mays from TV commercial.”

Fuck those bouncers from earlier.

I head west and meet my contact, Leela, who’s easy to spot because she’s the only Kharidi person around. “Look, American” she says, “I could do all of this myself. I know everything we need - wool to imitate that blonde bitch’s hair, yellow die for her bleach-ass highlights, mix some redberries and ash for that pasty light skin… and I saw this in a movie, some putty or clay to make a mould for the key. Also the lead guard is an alcoholic slash sex addict, so either seduce him or get him drunk.”

I ask her why she doesn’t just do the mission herself, since she has it all figured out.

“Hassan wants to confirm your loyalty. Plus, I live in rscrevolution. We don’t… do stuff. I’ll just always stand here forever, and never age, and never do anything else besides lurk next to a jail. That is the life that has been set out for me."

I go next door to Ned, a retired sailor who likes to knit and make rope, and offers his services in crafting the latter. When I ask him if he can make a wig for me, he says yes but then won’t stop smiling. When he finishes, he hands me the wig free of charge and says, “I know what you’re up to. Don’t worry.” Then he lifts up a trouser leg revealing tight pink stockings, “Your secret’s safe with me.” National security on the line, I just nod and walk out. “You mark my words, Billy boy,” Ned calls out from the doorway. “You and me? We're gonna go sailin'.”

I get yellow dye and whiteface makeup from Aggie, “That will make you look good at the Varrock dance,” she says. lkBupyv.pngThe dance no one ever invites her to, judging by those warts.

Lady Keli is easily to manipulate through flattery, and she practically makes a copy of the key for me bragging about how cool she is.Fltwfil.pngThen she starts going off about men in dresses. I’ve got Ned’s back, though, and take my leave. I get the key copied.jo4dc9G.png

I start breaking down Joe, the head guard, using psychology. He flunked out of Knight School so now he’s hired muscle for Keli, and his only comfort is beer. I’m not sure who I feel more sorry for, him, or me because I relate to him more than anyone else. cM6vJqa.pngCVXh7pg.pngSome real life lessons in this children's game.

I get Joe drunk and he wanders outside to chain smoke. Now’s my chance. I grab Keli from behind and hold a rag drenched in cadava potion to her mouth, taking her down nice and easy. Then I tie up her unconscious body.

The key takes me into the jail cell where Prince Ali, fabulous he, Ali Ababwah is held. He’s happy to see me, until I pull out the disguise. “There’s no fucking way I’m wearing that,” he says. Sorry Prince, rules is rules. Now in perfect drag, Ali walks right out the door and makes a beeline to to Al Kharid.

I go outside where Leela is standing, beaming. She gives me a big hug and looks up into my face.

“You did it, Billy. Now where will you go?”

“Wherever you want. Come on, Leela,” I plead, "let's get out of here."

“Oh, I’d love to habib, but I can’t ever leave.” She hides her sadness behind a smile, but her chestnut eyes betray the pain within.

I take her gently by the hand. “Just this once.”



==========



Final score: In reality sort of an underwhelming spy quest compared to black knight. As someone who was infiltrating the prison I should have been the one to wear the disguise, then smuggle him out. Not horrible but doesn’t meet the expectations set by the briefing with Osman.

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2.5 out of 5 key impressions

Last edited by OxiClean (23 Jan 2016 07:09)


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Larvar Send PM

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I need a way of subscribing to this LOL


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sellerane Send PM

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Oxy said:

“Hassan wants to confirm your loyalty. Plus, I live in rscrevolution. We don’t… do stuff. I’ll just always stand here forever, and never age, and never do anything else besides lurk next to a jail. That is the life that has been set out for me."

I go next door to Ned, a retired sailor who likes to knit and make rope. When I ask him if he can make a wig for me, he says yes but then won’t stop smiling. When he finishes, he hands me the wig free of charge and says, “I know what you’re up to. Don’t worry.” Then he lifts up a trouser leg revealing tight pink stockings, “Your secret’s safe with me.” National security on the line, I just nod and walk out. “You mark my words, Billy boy,” Ned calls to me through the doorway. “You and me? We're gonna go sailin'.”


I love these so much, so much fun to read. this portion here is a perfect example of why its so awesome, not only do you make a good point about how depressing rscrevolution npcs's are but then you lead into ned being a cross dresser... keep them coming.


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I need a way of subscribing to this LOL

under global settings one of the options is Subscribe to this topic


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sellerane Send PM

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Larvar said:

I need a way of subscribing to this LOL

appears to only appear if you quote something though then its right under reply box


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Ids Send PM

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Keep  them coming!

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joe dirt Send PM

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Solid post! While the server is down everyone should really read this good stuff !!


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Billy Send PM

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Wh͚̋̎͗o̻͇̩̻͗ͬ̒ ͉̦̻̟̆ͮͤ̈ͧͯI̞̖̣͉͉̻̙s̻̝̯̬̹͓ ̪͕̟̎ͪK̥̗ͮͤ̄͑ͧ͛̂i͍̜͔͕͇͓̎ͯ̿ň͇̱͉̯̼͎̆̑̏͊̈́̓g̻̪ ̑̂V̿̑a̞ͬͨ̍ͨ͑l̻͈͕̠͍̉͌́̑͆͒l͎͉̥̣͐ͧͭͯȁ̌ͮ͋̎ͧn̜͍̫͂̋̏c̰̭̖ͫͭͧė͔̠̊
͇͚̗̯̑w̳̦͉̰͉̭ͫhͯ͛͂͊̍͊̃o͆̋ͤ̑̐ͨͥ ͉͇̯͙̥̹͐ͧi͈̟̹̘̥̝̓͐̈́ͩ̌s̲̊ͨ̈́̅̂ ͇̤̞̀̀̿̿ǩ̩͓͎ͧ͐in̄̋͐g̻͋̽̄ ̹̆v̖̘̱͚̲a͖̋͗ͣͬl͎̻̘̜̹͑ͬ̋̓̒l̳͓̱̦̺̠̐̌̑͂̏̒̑ͅa͕ͥ̂̉n̙͎̳̳̠͒̾̎̽͗ͤ̍cͤ̿̌e͈̱͉͗̚ ̦͐w̭̱̹̭̟̱ͣ̒̀͊̑̄h͓̝̟̹̘͎̓̒ͥ̒̈́̈ō̦̟̻̪͈͙̙̎ ̻̩͚͇͊i̥̲̦̗s̓ͬ̉̏ ̫͈͓̺̳͎̃̍̀͌͂̆ͨḵ̟͔̾̽̒͆ͣ̂̈́i̘͗n̒̓ͤ̇͂g̗͖̦̟͗ ̳̹ͪ͂͋̏͌ͫ͋v̀͌ã̙̺̲͎̭ͫ͆l̻͓̥͖̥̦̊ͬͩ̄l̦̞̯̪͖ͨͯ̋ͦa̘̣ͮ̿̈̿͛̑̿n̻̹̗̰͉͉͚̿̍͗̎̚c̬̪̹̲͎͙̖ḙ̞̃͐
̥̙̓̂W̱͉̖ͫ̂̀ͤ̈̌̑H͈͔̭ͨ̽O̺̦̹͊ ̪̟̬͓͈̜̃́͂ͯ͋I͈͈̘͚̖̝͈Ș̠̣̺̫̪ͩ̍̉ͦͅ ͦ̀̀̓ͭK͕̘̫̟̾̑̎̆͂͂I͍̠̹͍͕͕͔ͦ̍̀ͨN̒G͙ ̠̞͈͈̝̎̉ͮ̓̃ͬͅV̯̪̓̽A̞̠̤̪̣Ḷ̳͎̞̜̳͇ͭ̀̃͑ͩL͖̗A͕̠̣̘͇̦̘̅͆ͬ̔̚N̥̼̩̼̟̓̈C̳͎͒̃͂̓̌͑̅E͕̤͖ͤ̒ͯ͋̏ͅ
̝̮̜͓ͦ̓ͥ̉ͩw͇͙̞h̤͙͚̤̯̺̉̋̃o͙̮̭̼̞ͫͩ͛ͪ̚ ̉i̝̣̺ͅs̭̲ͭ̃̐͑ ͥ̾ͮͩͫk̜̣̳ͮͅi͚n͈̯̺̙̖̅̐ğ̞̯͔́ͧ̽ ͇̩̜ͤv̮ͫ͆ͧͅa̻̰̝̫͔͗l̗̣̖͇̭̜̊ͮl̒a̰̮͖̘̜͒̒̆̾ń͓̱̩̣͙ͬ́c̻̗̀̅ͪ́̚e͙̣̗͊ͫ̈͌͆̊̎?̰͉͑̇̈́ͩͮ̍ ͌̉̑̉̃͒̐w͚̠h͇̊ͦͫ̈́̒ͮ̄o͎͖̰̟̣̥͚͒̌̃ ͖̩̝ͣ̀ͪͨͪi̞̮̮̠ͮ́́ͯͦ͗s̝ͭ̅̏̇ ͎͔͍k͕̄ͫi͇̝̗̟͇͛̐̓n̪ͩ͛̄̀̀g̺̘̟̋̑͗ͥͧ̀̚ ͉͚̹̹͓̗͆̒ͨv̙̩̫̮̹̐̈̐̇͂̀a̟̖ͣ̔͌͐ͬl̩͗̂l̻͙̂̉ã̠̪̫̮̭̜́̓̈̋̀ͅn͉͖̪̘ͯͭ͋c̮̩̘̱̣ͭ̎̓ͅe̦̊͊͂̃̃͑̔?͖̥̼̄͗?̘͍̋ͧ̒ͥͥ͊?͎͉̭ͦͧ̑̂̽?̪̖͙͕̤̣͔ͣͣͤ̉͊


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lol Billy Mays' Quest Reviews lol

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Johnny420 Send PM

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God damn this is great lmao


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