Here we go.

Druidic Ritual -

First a Shakespeare quest and now a Stonehenge quest? I’m going through these in order of ease but one thing is clear: the Gower brothers fucking love England.

Kaqueemex, north Taverly. Not sure why a druid has a cherokee name but who am I to judge?

Kaqueemex is fucking identical to the other Druids (*cough* hippies) so you gotta hover mouse over a few before you find him. Seriously, they didn’t even give this guy a hat or something to set him apart. If you don’t stay on topic Kaqueemex (real name Chad) will try to convert you to Guthix which iirc is a giant skull with jellyfish tentacles. (No thanks, rail Zamorak bro ((but forreal rail Zaros brah)).

I ask Kaq’ for a hit of the dank shit and he says he gotsta teach me about the law of the herbs first. Basically I have to hit up his dealer Sanfew in south Tav before we can get high.

Not to be racist but Sanfew looks exactly like Kaq looks exactly like every other lvl 29 druid. He needs me to bring the squad 4 different kinds of “enchanted meats” (KFC, Taco Bell, McDonalds, AND Pizza Hut) before we can get high. They call it “the cauldron of thunder” because of the way you lay waste to the toilet the following day.

I get the four enchanted meats for their cauldron of thunder. We get high. I’m able to identify different types of strains now.

Considerations: Even though all the druids look the same, four herblaw levels, it gives four quest points, plot makes sense (“we need this shit if you really are looking to help you can do it for us”) while introducing a major RS God and RS skill. Also thought the attacking statutes were pretty cool when I was 12.

3/5

Imp Catcher

So this is a "quest" that exists. Someone in wizard mizgog's frat played a joke on him. But really, the joke's on us.

0/5 Red beads

_{Pro-tip: If you can afford to, give up and buy the beads at auction house.}

Cook’s Assistant

Inexperienced cook has none of the basic ingredients to bake a cake for the Duke of Lumbridge on his birthday. Luckily, it's a piece of cake to bake a pretty cake.

Final score: Paul Gower thinks it’s important for players to use a windmill to grind grain into flour, and go milk cows, because it’s medieval times or whatever.

2/5

Gertrude’s Cat

Gertrude lives in a two-bedroom across from Juliet where she’s raising a gang of scrappy, dirt-faced sons all by herself. That is, her cat isn’t the only thing that’s gone missing. Who is the father?… Where is your man, Trudy? This quest should have been called “Gertrude’s Deadbeat Husband” where you hunt down his raggedy ass for child support owed.

(Theory: Gertrude looks similar in dress and appearance to Juliet. After completing R&J, if you talk to Romeo he says he’s “getting on well with Juliet’s cousin” (you fucking monster, you thought she’d died). I think Romeo is the deadbeat dad, guys.)

Trudy says her kittycat went missing, which I’m pretty sure is a menopause sex metaphor until she says to go find her son Shilop in Varrock square.

Shilop is a little Dickensian street urchin, the kind of kid who smokes “cigawettes” and abuses small animals. He readily admits that he lost Fluffs the cat, and that doesn’t give a fuck, and tries to extort 100gp from me just to hear where he abandoned her. I am ready to beat the everloving shit out of this child but there are just too many witnesses here. Plus, you can’t really blame Shilop, since there isn’t really any parenting going on in his life.

Fluffs resides in the lumberyard northeast of Varrock. She scratches me real deep when I try to pick her up, so I feed her and save her little kittens, but by the time I arrive at Gertrude’s house, I am too late. There’s just a bunch of kittens gnawing on a skeleton in a pink dress, and the children are gone. RIP.... RIP. :'(

Restless Ghost

Priest Aereck in Lumbridge gets all butthurt when I say I haven’t heard of his girlfriend “Sara Doeman” and starts up with this holier-than-thou preacher-man routine. Sara Doeman is the light, he says, the purity and the goodness in all the world. She sounds like a prude tbh but I came here to pitch a sale, not a tent. I try to make it out the door, checking the address off my list. Some days you sell the Oxyclean; other days, the Oxyclean sells you. But before I’m gone he blurts out about the haunted graveyard in the back of the church and how Sara abhors a creature of darkness. And if there’s something strange in your neighborhood, who you gonna call? ME. I see my in. So I turn back around, spark glimmering in my eye, and take a wide power stance. “Hi, BILLY MAYS here to show you the CLEANSING, EXORCISING POWER of OXYCLEAN. WATCH as OXYCLEAN unleashes the POWER OF OXYGEN to ERADICATE the SMELL AND STAINS of UNHOLY spirits!” I grin and gesticulate madly as I speak and Aereck’s eyes get all wide like a deer caught in headlights. I fucking crush the pitch. Maybe I should get into the religion business…

http://i.imgur.com/Vk2PFqF.png
_{(Jesus Sara Doeman is represented by the crucifix)}

Priest says go talk to his father, Urhney. Urhney and and his son don’t speak; in fact, Urhney built a fence stretching from Church Lum nearly all the way to Draynor just to keep him out. So instead of going next door to the south, I have to trek practically to the next town over and back. It’s bullshit but if there’s one thing I’ve learned about rscrevolution, it’s that most citizens prefer live out their lives in the same ten-foot vicinity.

Urhney lives in a water-damaged hut in a fucking swamp where it smells like shit and mosquitos. He’s an asshole of the schizoid variety, and super paranoid about tax-men coming to repossess the place. He says he can’t show me the ghost because he needs to “meditate” (he steals a fiendish glance at a meth-encrusted glassblowing pipe in the corner). He gives me a silver chain he calls “the amulet of ghostspeak” and says I can talk to ghosts now. Whatever dude, don’t blow your up house cooking that crystal. At least he’s in the middle of nowhere and won’t hurt nobody else.

I go back to talk to the ghost but it just says “woo woo woo” and shit like that, and I can’t be fucked to learn ghostspeak. I put on the necklace and the ghost is like “nice chain tho” and I’m like “thanks” and then we’re both like “Wait can you understa-“ “are you talking to me-“ “whoaaa.” And then we just sit there, ineffably bound by the mystery of human language. Something similar happened to me in ‘Nam, where I accidentally bumped into one of those chinamen Viet Cong, but for some reason it was just too awkward and personal for either of us to kill the other.

Ghost tells me he’s ready to die for real but first he needs his skull returned. He says it’s at the wizard frat south of Dray - yeah same assholes from Imp Catcher - and apparently the bros carved out the top and use it as a chalice to drink wizard mind bombs out of. (Ghost guy used to be in the rival frat of darkwizards west of Falador and this is the type of stuff mage frats do.)

I bust in to the frat guns blazing and grab the skull when some bitch-ass skeleton of a pledge tries to kill me over it. This guy had literally zero meat on his bones. I tele back to Lum REAL quick and give the ghost his skull back. “Fuck… blue… wizards…” he says as he fades into nothingness. Also, he bought the economy-size barrel of Oxyclean without me even having to say anything. Boss. [But then he respawned and won’t talk to me anymore so not sure how well that went.]

For real tho: The most significant plot point of the quest is that rscrevolution - according to its internal mythos - is a computer game in which its NPCs are trapped, hopelessly unaware of- and unable to grasp - the desolation of their simulated existence. That much is canon. I am reminded of Gödel’s famous theorum, that no complete set is consistent and no consistent set is complete. Also, thought the surprise skeleton attack was pretty cool when i was 12.

Final score: This is a pretty good quest with straightforward tasks and loads of fun dialogue options unrelated to the actual completion of the quest. There’s tons of little details to be gleaned depending on which responses you choose. You get to heckle the priest, harass Urhney, and troll the ghost, among plenty of other options. Plus I gained 17 pray levels as a reward due to 2x exp being in effect.
http://i.imgur.com/fPcO7Zl.png

3/5

LOL

Sheep Shearer

Sometimes people are friendly when I travel door-to-door, other times they’re not. Fred the Farmer was not. He immediately asks me what I’m doing on his land and freaks out because I left the gates open. Apparently “scoundrels” have been slaying his chickens. When I ask for directions he replies curtly, “how can you be lost?” Thank goodness he’s here in Lumbridge to help people just starting out.

When I ask him for a quest he tells me to trim his sheep and make balls of wool (because it's medieval times, or whatever). I thought quests were things heroic adventurers undertook, not trivial tasks for the meek, and I tell him so. He says “you asked a farmer for a quest, what did you expect?”
_{I'm serious. This is all real dialogue from Fred the MotherFucking Farmer.}

Fred mentions that something “ate” all his previous shearers, but that its nothing to worry about. Cool! Maybe this quest isn’t going to be so mundane after all.

I consider buying the balls of wool outright - I think the adventure general store in Ardougne might have them - but then I settle in to do the damn thing, and run around his field for a few minutes clicking on sheep before taking the wool to Lumby castle.

I return bearing balls of wool without any difficulties, annoyed by Fred’s misleading and possibly senile implications.

I kill Fred’s livestock, set fire to his home and salt his earth. As I walk out from the rubble of his former home, it occurs to me that I may have been the monster of which he spoke.

Final Score 1/5

Goblin Diplomacy

In which I volunteer as a fashion designer at the Goblin Village. I also score some leaves from my new woad dealer, Wyson the Gardener, down at Fally park. Weirdly enough, you start this quest in the bar in Port Sarim, rather than at the Goblin Village.

2/5 Goblin armor

Pirate’s Treasure

Got hired at a banana plantation. Beat Wyson the Gardener to death with a shovel.
Lying low for the next couple of days.

3/5 woad leaves

Dude i fucking love this..

HAHA <3

+1+1+1

Thanks!

Vampire Slayer

British culture seems to be the Gower brothers’ most frequent touchstone for quest content, whether it’s the stonehenge-praying druids of Taverly or the star-crossed Shakespearean lovers of Varrock. Now we’ve got a quest ala Bram Stoker’s Dracula (Stoker was British). This is easily among the top 5 most memorable f2p quests, which isn't saying much since it’s the first bona-fide quest on this list to date. That is to say, my adventures thus far have amounted to little more than running the errands of strangers. Even Pirate’s Treasure, as fun as it sounds, mainly consists of working on a banana plantation. And when your quest climaxes with the murder of an elderly gardener, you’ve got bigger issues.

Anyway, so Morgan of Draynor says the town’s getting “ravaged” by a Vampire (hope he’s dracula-hot and not nosferatu-ugly). I agree to slay the vampire, mainly because of all the products I could sell this town when I become their hero, but also because I started purging the undead with that ghost earlier and I want to keep the ball rolling.

Morgan tells me to visit Dr. Harlow, a retired vampire slayer and veteran alcoholic. When I arrive at the Jolly Boar Inn, Harlow is already piss drunk. Even though he and Morgan are supposed to be tight, Harlow refuses to give me any vampire-slaying tips unless I buy him another drink. I forgot to bring gold, so I pickpocket a stranger’s hard-earned coins. I just don’t give a fuck.

Five rounds later, Dr. Harlow has really started to loosen up. “Yeah man,” he says. “The vampires are all illuminati, born and raised. The Trilateral Commission and Vanderbilt Rothschild group run the Bank of rscrevolution and put the chemtrails in the windmills causing droughts, famine, and so on allowing the vampires move in to take their prey and steal the gold, which is the last stable currency.” I feel like we’re closing-in on how-to-kill-them territory, and Harlow presses on, looking me square in the eye, leaning in. “It’s a much bigger conspiracy, man. West Ardougne was an inside job.”

Eventually after lots of talk about something called infowars, he hands me the wooden stake that I need to purge the bloodsucker. I return to Draynor, take a dainty crafting hammer in hand and drive the stake through the heart of the ancient and terrible Count. By the rules of combat, I ascend to Steward of the House of Draynor and the manor becomes mine.

Final Score: The quest, along with Earnest, that put Draynor village on the map. Classic rscrevolution.

3 out of 5 cloves of garlic

Sir Amik Varze pulls the torch away from my face, throwing a thick file down on the table. “Juliet: cadava potion overdose. Fred the Farmer: burned alive.” He takes a long drag on his cigar. “Wyson the Gardener: blunt force trauma to the skull. Count Draynor, wooden beam through the heart. You’ve been busy haven’t you, you sick fuck?”

“I know my rights. I want to talk to a lawyer,” I say. It’s going to take more than a Falador rent-a-cop to intimidate Billy Fucking Mays.

“You don’t have rights, punk.” A brick shithouse of a cop in steel plate armor socks me in the gut. It’s Sir Vyvin, whose knight’s sword has dealt a thousand atrocities.

“Careful, Vyvin, you’ll sully your armor,” says Sir Varze.

“I’ll take that chance, Amik,” he replies. The good cop bad cop routine, oldest trick in the book.

“You know what would really get the stains out of your armor, you guys…” I begin, but I’m not allowed to finish.

“Look, kid, you’re going away for a long, long time.” Sir Varze takes a seat on the table in front of me. “Unless you go on a little mission for us…”

Black Knight’s Fortress

I’ve turned informant become a superspy for the White Knights. The Black Knights have been levying a tax against the residents of Falador and the White Knights are all, ‘hey that’s our job’. So I’m on a mission to discover and destroy their new secret weapon.

I cruise over to the Black Knight’s Fortress near the Oracle’s icy mountain. It’s heavily populated with guards and black knights belonging to the secret order called the “kinshra” (rail Zamorak bro (but super seriously rail Zaros brah)). But heh, I can’t just come in there; this is a high-security military installation.

I use my pitchman charisma to lure a guard behind a nearby hedge, then I smother him with a rag dipped in cadava potion. He drops to the floor and I take his armor as a disguise. I slip in through the side door and…

I’m in. Guards shoot me strange looks as I somersault through the first room, putting my agility training to proper use. I crawl through a secret door in the wall and climb up a ladder into a room that was designed specifically for eavesdropping. I can hear a witch, a goblin with a lisp, and a black knight in the other room (you could just hear it in his voice that he was a black knight). Apparently they’re making an invincibility potion, and then they're going to go staking. And that's just too OP to be allowed. Then the Witch says to the goblin, “now Greldo, whatever you do, don’t drop a regular, that is, non-Draynor cabbage through that hole in the floor in the room above us, because that hole is situated directly above my cauldron. And that will completely sabotage our plans against the White Knights.”

I grab a good, wholesome, Saradominist cabbage from the nearby monastery and bust into the main hall at the Black Fortress. It’s full of black knights having some sort of meeting, and they spot me immediately. This ain’t my first rodeo; I draw my rune two-hander and spring into action.The last knight was dead before the first hit the ground.

The third floor is full of satan-worshipping knights who, in their opium-laced stupor, fail to notice me. I notice another odd-looking part of the wall, and push on it. A fucking secret passageway leads me into the room with the hole in the floor, when my bowels begin to churn. The lower-abdominal pain had been building since I’d first entered the fortress. I’d chalked it up to stress, but the kebab I’d had for lunch was of questionable origin and I was to pay for my mistake.

I threw the cabbage down the hole, unzipped my trousers and did what needed to be done. The mixture in the cauldron started to froth and bubble, and I heard the witch groan in dismay. I’d successfully sabotaged the secret weapon.

Sir Amik Varze says I'm alright, and calls me rookie. I guess I'm off the hook for now...

Final score: Intrigue, disguise, infiltration, and a new fortress built just for the quest. This one is completely solid.

3/5 cabbage